My first open water workout

I like to push myself out of my comfort zone. This time I pushed myself too far. There isn’t a whole lot in the world that can make me cry.

We were all waiting on the bleachers waiting for Coach Pedro to start the workout. I felt a sense of euphoria standing with all these wetsuit-clad swimmers in the middle of a tourist attraction, not to mention everyone giving us amused looks. Mostly, I felt like part of a team doing something many others find impossible to accomplish.  After the briefing, people were running into the water like they were given a head start to escape from Alcatraz before the guards came after them. Standing on the beach, I already started to panic. Once I got into waist deep water, I felt a little better. My wetsuit was warm enough that I didn’t feel any temperature change. After swimming a few strokes, I was so overcome with fear that tears started streaming down my face. I refused to put my head in the water, which made my panic attack even worse.

Today was my first open water swim workout, training for an Alcatraz crossing. I finally paired up my words with action. The idea for this ambition came to me one day while I was watching the Ironman Competition on TV last summer. Just watching all these people walking across the finish line, no matter how long it took, was very commendable (while I was sitting on my butt watching this). I said to myself, "I want to be one of them. I want to do something in my life that not many people can do." I began dreaming about competing in the Escape to Alcatraz triathlon and running across the finish line. After a few months of dreaming, I discouraged and belittled myself. I can't run, nor can I bike. However, the triathlon is always nagging me in the back of my head. I started working out more the past few months. I started swimming a mile each week. As luck has it, the sudden great weather provided me an opportunity to start running on the beach. The thought in the back of my head tugged on my sleeve even harder. Now a triathlon seemed a little more possible. Again, luck found me an affordable, amazing wetsuit to work with.

Open water is so different from being in the pool. You are in the middle of a vast expanse of water—there is nothing to hold on to, you can’t touch the bottom, forces are pushing you around. During the course of the workout, Coach Renee stayed close to me by the beach where I was able to reach the ground. We started off by getting me comfortable with putting my head in the water.

It was a whole different sensation in the ocean water. With your head down, you can't see anything. It was like floating in the abyss. I instinctually squeezed my eyes shut as I plunged my head into the water only to realize I had goggles on. Perhaps they were a little too clear. I probably held my breath for the longest time today. I was so caught up in being inside my head that I forgot I can just turn my head to the side. The more times I entered the water, the more comfortable I became. I was more aware of myself relative to the water.

I absolutely love my wetsuit (with the exception of its girly color). It is so lightweight and easy to slide on and take off. It keeps me at a comfortable temperature. I didn't even notice the temperature change when I got in and out of the water. Its buoyancy is amazing. I don't even have to tread. All I have to do is lean back. Although the salt water makes it easier too. And what I love best is...it makes me look sexy. =P

I wouldn't say I am addicted yet, but I can definitely say I would do it again.

Until next time. I will keep you updated on my progress. 

Dealing with my Fear of Success

Next to the process of dying, my next greatest fear is in succeeding. I have a tendency to go into withdrawal when things are going the way it is suppose to. In relationships, I withdraw from the other person when I become smitten. At work, I procrastinate on projects when I am specifically chosen to do them. I am all talk and no action when it comes to personal goals. There are so many things I want to achieve and I know that it is feasible, yet I am afraid to go for it. My two greatest ambitions are to become a community writer and to achieve at least one Alcatraz Crossing.

Years ago, all I could think about was succeeding to prove to all those kids (and particular teachers) in school who said I'd never amount to anything. I constantly remind myself that I must graduate from a top college in four years or less, and then start a great career while being ecstatic with life. Now that I've accomplished that and proven myself successful, I'm afraid to keep going.

Every time I come close to reaching my goal, I find myself standing stagnant just staring at the finish line. Weeks pass and months go by and I'm still standing in the same spot. Then I find some motivation to move forward. But soon more time passes and I realize I am only an inch from where I was earlier.

"All fears of success would go away if you totally took your power back," says Caine. "In fact, our very deepest fear is that when we really reclaim our power and succeed, we have to face the knowledge that we have always been powerful to change all along and that we could have changed a year or five or 10 years ago."

I know I'm a dork for looking this up: how to cope with the fear of success. Of all the materials I read, the only solution is to come to terms with it.

First, I need to figure out what is causing this fear.

1. I am putting too much weight on what success means. To me success means being smarter, craftier, wiser, and better than other people.
2. Success increase feelings of doubt. After I make a decision, I always ask myself: "Have I done the right thing? What if I'm not heading in the right direction?"
3. My motivation to succeed is faulty. I am using my success to punish the other kids and to compete with the rest of the world.

Second, why am I so afraid? This may seem a bit preposterous, but I find it threatening. The fear is like a ghost constantly whispering in my ears. "If you don't watch out, we're going to cause you to have love withdrawn, and you're going to end up all alone and lonely. We're going to expose you, and everyone will see your ambition, and your aggressiveness, and the pride and hostility, and all those ugly things you thought you had hidden so well." Worse yet, "We're going to expose you, and they're going to see your power and strength and talent and all the beautiful parts that you've hidden away."

Lastly, I need to identify the fear of success. What is it that frightens me? I am afraid that I will not be able to sustain my success. And when I fail, everything around me will self-destruct. I will be hurt and dejected. Because of the high that comes with success, there is a lot to lose.

This is my first attempt to leave myself vulnerable and to be honest with myself and everyone else. I hope you will all support me in my endeavor to reclaim my power.