Dealing with my Fear of Success

Next to the process of dying, my next greatest fear is in succeeding. I have a tendency to go into withdrawal when things are going the way it is suppose to. In relationships, I withdraw from the other person when I become smitten. At work, I procrastinate on projects when I am specifically chosen to do them. I am all talk and no action when it comes to personal goals. There are so many things I want to achieve and I know that it is feasible, yet I am afraid to go for it. My two greatest ambitions are to become a community writer and to achieve at least one Alcatraz Crossing.

Years ago, all I could think about was succeeding to prove to all those kids (and particular teachers) in school who said I'd never amount to anything. I constantly remind myself that I must graduate from a top college in four years or less, and then start a great career while being ecstatic with life. Now that I've accomplished that and proven myself successful, I'm afraid to keep going.

Every time I come close to reaching my goal, I find myself standing stagnant just staring at the finish line. Weeks pass and months go by and I'm still standing in the same spot. Then I find some motivation to move forward. But soon more time passes and I realize I am only an inch from where I was earlier.

"All fears of success would go away if you totally took your power back," says Caine. "In fact, our very deepest fear is that when we really reclaim our power and succeed, we have to face the knowledge that we have always been powerful to change all along and that we could have changed a year or five or 10 years ago."

I know I'm a dork for looking this up: how to cope with the fear of success. Of all the materials I read, the only solution is to come to terms with it.

First, I need to figure out what is causing this fear.

1. I am putting too much weight on what success means. To me success means being smarter, craftier, wiser, and better than other people.
2. Success increase feelings of doubt. After I make a decision, I always ask myself: "Have I done the right thing? What if I'm not heading in the right direction?"
3. My motivation to succeed is faulty. I am using my success to punish the other kids and to compete with the rest of the world.

Second, why am I so afraid? This may seem a bit preposterous, but I find it threatening. The fear is like a ghost constantly whispering in my ears. "If you don't watch out, we're going to cause you to have love withdrawn, and you're going to end up all alone and lonely. We're going to expose you, and everyone will see your ambition, and your aggressiveness, and the pride and hostility, and all those ugly things you thought you had hidden so well." Worse yet, "We're going to expose you, and they're going to see your power and strength and talent and all the beautiful parts that you've hidden away."

Lastly, I need to identify the fear of success. What is it that frightens me? I am afraid that I will not be able to sustain my success. And when I fail, everything around me will self-destruct. I will be hurt and dejected. Because of the high that comes with success, there is a lot to lose.

This is my first attempt to leave myself vulnerable and to be honest with myself and everyone else. I hope you will all support me in my endeavor to reclaim my power.