This is for the world to see. Some of you have heard bits and pieces of my ‘rough patch’. Most of it contains gaps, things that would have made a big difference in my story, for fear of judgment.
This is going to be the complete truth. I don’t care if there is going to be hurt feelings, guilt feelings, or any feeling that this may illicit. I don’t care if I sound pathetic, nor do I want your pity. I’ve just had enough of these 365 - ~90 days.
January 1 and on…
I started out the year losing my boyfriend (for a lack of a better word) of four years. I made the bad choice of going out with someone else from the same group of friends. I truly regret that decision. If I didn’t do that, I WOULD NOT BE IN THIS MESS. After that, the group of friends just fell apart. He wouldn’t go if she was going. Hurt feelings everywhere. I had no one to go to because everyone had their own broken hearts to deal with.
While I was with the ‘friend’, I was miserable. The more I got to know him, the more he wasn’t what I thought he was. We were polar opposites. He was dragging me down from my normally cheerful façade. All at the same time, it took three months to accept the fact that the relationship with the ‘boyfriend’ was unsalvageable. It also took a bit of cognitive behavior therapy to get me to that point.
Employed
After two months of full time job searching, I finally landed a job. This is probably the only good (long-lasting) thing about this year. I love this job. I have great coworkers and this is what I wanted as a career. But I feel really unstable. Sometimes I feel like I’m not meant to do this. My lab techniques aren’t that great, which really impinge on my job duties. And sometimes I feel like I’m not being proactive enough for them to keep me on as a full time employee.
Family
Although my relationship with my family got better the last four years, I don’t feel like we’re close enough for them to be asking so much of me. I’m not afraid to say we’re in financial troubles. But with kids in college, who isn’t? I do contribute, but I feel guilty for not being compelled to. I feel guilty for not spending as much time with my sister. I don’t feel compelled to. I’m even ashamed to explain why I don’t hang out with my sister when people ask. When I’m home, I hide out in my room like I did in college. I just don’t get that warm, loving, homey feeling.
And after the whole break up thing, my mom just kept bugging me about salvaging the relationship or me being pathetic for being home on weekends. Really, mom, I know you want to brag about having the most awesomest daughter who has everything, but even the most awesomest people go through rough times. And if you’re not going to help me get through this, at least don’t make it worse. It was driving me crazy; crazy enough to make me start looking for apartments that would take all of my paychecks.
Finally things were looking up (or so I thought)
There were five days out of the however many days of 2010 it’s been, that I’ve felt pure happiness like I did before all this mess. I started seeing this one guy from work. I really don’t know if I regret this or not. Being with him was amazing, but of course ‘too good to be true’ is always ‘too good to be true’. He was perfect; perfect as in he had all the qualities I looked for in someone. I can tell you this was not a rebound feeling. I can’t believe I fell head over heels for him. And I’m always kicking myself for it. I told myself I wouldn’t do that after all the pain I’ve been through in the past.
One of the reasons the ‘boyfriend’ and I broke up was because I was continually seeing other people. I just didn’t receive the affection or attention I needed from him. So while I was crying over how bad I felt for hurting him like that, my friends asked me, When are you going to stop? How much [attention] is enough for you? My truthful answer was: I don’t know. But being with this guy, I wasn’t only willing but I wanted to make all the attention from other guys to stop. I had everything I needed. I told him about my commitment issues and my fears of a relationship because I really believed this was going to work out. In the end, it was too good to be true. It ended as quickly as it started.
I go to work every day being professional. No one suspected anything except for the people I told. Even then, they think I’m over him. Every day, I walk by his desk hoping to get a glimpse of him. There was that one day he walked by and said hi, I could feel my heart jump out of my chest for a second. I kicked myself for that.
Moping
Of course there will be some moping and wallowing after a heartbreak. The traditional technique of moping includes (1) losing focus at work, (2) consuming a lot of junk food, and (3) watching a lot of TV. I did eat a lot of junk food but that’s just a regular habit of mine. So the only traditional moping I did was watching a lot of TV.
But it’s Abby. I never do things in the traditional sense. For a month, I kicked up my workout schedule a notch (or two). Here was my workout schedule:
Sunday Open swim training
Monday Bikram Yoga
Tuesday Jogging at the beach (walk/jog for ~2 miles)
Wednesday Pool swimming (swim a mile or varying workout)
It only lasted a month because I succumbed to fatigue. And it takes me forever to recover. Exercising was always an outlet for me, especially swimming. I took it a little too far this time. I used exercise as a distraction from everything. Being around and in water puts me into a different realm. Jogging fulfils my fantasy of running endlessly and maybe, hopefully (please) someone will run after me and hold me tight.
Narcissism
With all that exercising, I became obsessed with my body. I enjoyed all the catcalls I received as I was running along the beach. I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror while doing yoga. I love the skin-tight fit my wetsuit provided. I enjoyed the looks I get from people as I walked down the street. People were just feeding me all this attention. How could I resist? But after a while, I felt empty because people no longer loved me for my inner beauty.
Anti-Narcissism
So maybe there are still plenty of people who love me for my inner beauty. But only because I make myself sound so self-important. I sometimes really hate that about myself. I have all these guys swooning over me because they find me both physically attractive and intellectually attractive. Last year, I would’ve had my calendar all booked up. Now, I’m rejecting one after another. Seriously, why do these ‘meetings’ have to have romantic intentions?
In the meantime…
No, I haven’t only been moping about my ill-fortune. I’ve also taken this opportunity to grow. I am proactively conquering my fear of success. I am not just using exercise as a coping mechanism; I am also training to achieve my goal of swimming from Alcatraz. I am taking classes to expand my general knowledge. I am also working on my writing.
Getting through all this
I don’t know if any of this seems oh-so-tragic to you. But you aren’t the one going through all this so you don’t count. It has been hell for me and things don’t seem to be looking up anytime soon.
So how did I survive all this? I would like to say thanks to Kelly Clarkson, OneRepublic, The All-American Rejects, and Selena Gomez. I wouldn’t have gotten through all these nights without you guys lulling me to sleep with your empowering lyrics.
I’ve looked to superstitions day after day to get me through. I read my daily horoscope every morning to provide some insight to the upcoming day. I wish for a good day at the ‘Rainbow Tunnel’ during my commute.
I’ve come to the ends of my strength. I really can’t take anymore of this crap.
Hello Abby,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog via Blogger's "Next Blog" button, and wanted to share with you my perspective.
You are right to focus on your relationships when thinking over your life for the past year. Relationships are the most important thing in our lives. To paraphrase Confucius, there is no human without two human beings. And as Aristotle says, man is a social animal.
However, you are missing one major, central thing that both these philosophers talk about - virtue.
To be virtuous is to love. To love others means to care about them unconditionally. Do you dedicate yourself toward loving others unconditionally? In your relationships, do you focus on making them happier, wiser, and more virtuous? Do you fulfill your duties as a friend, girlfriend, sister, and daughter?
To lack virtue is to pursue relationships in order make oneself feel better. Time spent with a friend becomes about enjoyment, rather than helping each other become better persons. Time spent with family becomes a chore, rather than taking care of an intimate person.
When you look for friendship, you should ask yourself how you can help this person with their problems, and become a better person.
When you look for a boyfriend, you should ask yourself if he can be a good husband and father. Dating is for the purposes of finding a good spouse, and if you can keep that in mind, you will naturally find the right person and have the patience to see the truth in him. You will naturally focus on the more important things. For example, personal responsibility is more important than looks. Good values is more important than charisma. Wisdom is more valuable than a sense of humor.
When you spend time with your sister, you should have in mind what you can teach her, what lessons you can impart to her from your life, and empowering her wisdom.
When you spend time with your mother, you should keep in mind that it must hurt her to see someone she loves so much suffering.
Morality is ultimately about protecting oneself and benefiting others. In doing so, you benefit yourself and protect others. Once your heart gradually learns to love these things more and more (and it's a journey that everyone continues on, whether they're ten years old or ninety), life will become more profound. You can handle your sufferings and the evil in your life with more grace, and you can be more joyful during the happy moments.
Lastly, if you accept that suffering is an intrinsic part life, but you keep your mind and heart on the way of virtue, I promise you that your life will be transformed and good things will come to you.
If you have any questions, you can leave a comment at my blog knightoftheway.blogspot.com